I know you didn't ask, but in case you wanted to know, I enjoy talking. I enjoy talking about myself and offering thoughts and opinions on art, God and other people to whoever is willing to listen. I think the struggle for me is finding out how to offer my opinions and think things through out loud without turning my thoughts into a kind of trumpet to gain attention and notoriety in my little circle of friends.It's hard living on this earth for a number of reasons, but I think that one of the harder ones would be that (undying) desire to perform well in front of your peers, not to give them a good show but so that they will validate you with their approval. So that they will redeem you from the pit; the pit of being alone, of being perceived as worthless.
Why is it that I miss what (in the words of the new song) what Love has done here? My Love, my Savior has completed me. Like a bride and bridegroom complete each other. Like a parent and a child. When I abide in my Love and He abides in me, I want for nothing.
Then why do I want for everything? Why do I long for arms to come around me like the applause of the world on its feet? Who am I looking to for redemption? Why is the one thing I need the slipperiest thing to grab? Why does the love of any of the many artist and authors I admire more appealing than the love of God? Is it because I've grown used to the love of God? Is it just not an exciting enough idea anymore? Has it always just been an idea to me?
No. I've known the love of God. I feel it in the edge of the song I'm listening to right now, I feel it when I can't see anything much but the stars kissing the dark above me.
There's darkness in me, but it's not the strongest part of me. The strongest part of me is the giant asleep in the corner. If only we could wake him; he'd show the bad guys a thing or two.
I've once speculated that writing is perhaps a kind of exorcism. That is that, unless I were able to put all (or at least as many as I could) of my thoughts down of paper (or cyberspace, in this case). I would be overcome by something. Something like darkness. I think I still stand by that statement. I think there's no other way to explain what I'm doing now.
I hope you know that this is a poor picture of my mind as it is right now. These are merely some of the deeper things that haven't been able get out in normal conversation. This is what I get for not blogging in so long.
More thoughts later...
1 comment:
There are times when I feel like I can't understand God's love for me, can't even fathom. I have been through so much, and to understand that God loved me through it all blows my mind. And there are times now, knowing God, that I still question if I feel His love. Everyone longs for tangible love, and it's hard sometimes not to feel that from God.
There are times when I too, seek the approval of the world, when the only thing I want to hear is what I have achieved. But my audience is an audience of One, and He is the only person I am dancing for. But I know what you mean....that is hard.
It's always good to remind yourself where God has brought you out of, to reflect on His unconditional love for us. It's painful at times for me to do that, I don't like to remember my past, but I see the person I was, and the person I am now, and my heart is forever thankful to my Redeemer. Jesus never changes....He is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. His love for you remains.
God bless :)
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